Changes are almost always a mixed blessing — you move in with your partner and from then on there is always somebody else’s dirty laundry on the floor and every time you start screaming obscenities at the talking heads on the television he bursts into tears. You move to New Mexico and you never ever have to shovel the snow off the car before you can leave for work but that mug of hot cocoa that you always make to defrost your poor red numb hands just isn’t such a blessing now that you are slapping around the yard in flip-flops and Bermuda shorts. You wait for three… damn it seven years before your kid is finally out of diapers and they have become too big to play bouncy horsie on your knee, or play Viking raider and fling them over your shoulder while they shriek with delight. When there are changes you lose things. Yes, the changes are good ones and they are so worth looking forward to them — but the now has some good things in it that you will lose.
Worse yet people look forward to things — hitting puberty, getting a job, owning a house, being taller than their dad… and when they get them sometimes the brief surge of total joy that the long awaited pleasures bring only lasts for moments. Planning for future happiness is a mug’s game. You have to set your life up so that there is a payoff for your hard work and so that there are things to look forward to, but you mustn’t wait to be happy. There’s no guarantee that anything that promises future happiness will follow through.
Living in the future is often a manifestation of anxiety — once I am finally, finally finished school I will never ever have another exam and never be upset and worried and scared and tense and out of my mind again… until it’s time to look for work, or performance review, or there are shortfalls between income and financial needs… and then, for some they forget how scared and tense they were at exams and think, oh God, if only I could go back to that golden age when I was in school, no responsibilities…
So look at what you have now, what things now are important and make you happy and focus on them, if you can. Theoretically moving in with your partner will mean a feeling of belonging and the happiness that being with them produces — but you have some feeling of belonging now and some happiness when you have contact with them. Rather than be discontented when you and partner talk because you can’t actually go home with them, can you figure out how to feel the sense of belonging and feel happy at the sound of their voice? Can you make those times when you talk to them special now? Right now, dwelling in the moment is all the happiness you are guaranteed.
Some of the things that are on hold are things that you might be able to do right now. In the future who are you going to be? Can you be that person right now? I don’t know what you are waiting for, but let’s say you are waiting until the debt is paid off. You are slogging along waiting until the day you don’t have to worry about money… can you stop worrying about money anyway, even with the debt hanging over your head? I don’t mean that you should go ahead and spend money, but find ways to fulfill the needs that will be filled when there is money. Turn off the mental track of worry. Savour the things that you can afford. Find non-money dependent sources of pleasure.
There are mental tricks to living in the now — and one part of that is being realistic about what is now, and not thinking the future will be that much different from the present. It might be very different, but if you can’t be happy in Chicago, your probably can’t be happy in Albuquerque. If you can’t live on an income of $55,000 without stressing about finances, you may not be able to live on an income of $155,000 without stressing about finances. If you can’t be happy working, then maybe you can’t be happy going to school either. Now is all you have. The trick is not only to work on making your lifetime goals, but work on your short term goals. You will be happiest if you think in terms of making this a good year, and making this a good month, and making this a good week, and making this a good hour.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:54 PM on August 26, 2019
